Let's try this again, shall we?


*clears throat*

One, one two.

Testing, testing.

Alright. Let's do this.

I realize that this nth attempt to give this blog a restart might seem futile, seeing how the last few have failed rather unspectacularly. Why? Procrastination on my part. Lack of inspiration. Lack of self-esteem (aka. finding my own writing unbearably terrible). And, although I hate to admit it, lack of response. I am afraid I am burdened with an (apparently genetic) longing for confirmation.

Just like my dad cannot help asking my mom three times "wasn't it nice that I brought you to the train station", just like he needs to hear from every single person at the table that the food he cooked was delicious (at least twice), I have a tough time staying motivated if there isn't someone reading every single word, and responding. I hate to admit it because I know the fact that I have few visitors is unlikely to change, but I'll try to get over myself.

So, what brought on this new elan, to quote our embarrasingly dull prime minister? And isn't it a bad idea, maybe, to try restarting a blog two weeks before rather crucial exams?

Probably. Thing is, I seem to be once again in something which I, with a somewhat overblown sense of drama, call an existential crisis. I started a Master's programme in Theoretical Physics last September. While the foolishness of such an endeavour might seem obvious to most, it's only starting to dawn on me now, mostly because I am starting to suspect I might simply be too stupid for it. And bit by bit, I feel like I am going a little more crazy every day, or at least a little more miserable.

I'm not about to quit, don't worry. And I am studying hard for those exams, and will continue to do so in the next two weeks despite how futile it feels. But to stop the going crazy part, I need not just some distraction and relaxation, but I also need to feel like I am doing at least something productive. I can't paint, like one of my friends/study mates does. I can however write (whether I can write well is, of course, another point entirely), and so when revamping my blog I decided I will. And since I was in this resolution-making mood, I decided I'll photograph more again too.

About the revamp, some new things: an elaborated link list, at first. I've added a picture, as you can see, although it'll probably be replaced soon. I intend to keep the filmlog up to date for a lot longer than last year. I've also used the new labelling feature, although I might still tinker with it some more. Furthermore, and maybe somewhat less noticeable, is the "recommended reading" list at the bottom. I'll post there every interesting article I find, and older links will be posted in a backdated post with a link in the sidebar.

The labelling was interesting, as it forced me to go back through old posts. I admit it was often a little embarrassing, like meeting an older version of yourself and thinking, 'what a silly girl'. But it was also motivating because some posts, some of the longer, more thought-out ones, reminded me of how much fun I had writing them, and of how much of an accomplishment I felt they were. They got the label "starred", and they're the posts I'm proudest of.

I hope more of them will come.

Phew. That was it. Wish me luck. And let's see how long I keep it up this time.


1 comment:

Lanchka said...

Damn, I knew I should have been posting comments and actually writing e-mails to you on a much more regular basis :-(

Well, I do love 10 Things I Hate About You. I watched it with my dad last weekend on TV. Although I've seen it at least 5 times, I still laugh like a loon every time Julia Stiles spouts some of that beautifully eloquent bile...

Christmas has come and gone and so has Erik...he refused to take back a huge bag of marshmallows for you, though, so you can blame him for your bad moods now ;-)

Good luck with your exam! I will send you an e-mail when something actually happens over here. In the meantime, I too have made my return to the blogosphere!